too many people know. =(

this post is just about him.
wayy too many people know about this.....
tim is right we shouldn't talk about it like have a whole convo when other people around don't know about it. i shouldn't have told so many people. so far...julie, carmen, elaine, and ricky. they are the people that are up to date. ricky doesnt know who bear is but the others do. everythings been getting to my head. i dont know how i make it obvious sometimes, but i guess sometimes i slip. even if people get it right now i wont say anything... i'll be like no to everything. thats the only thing i can do now. its been getting to me. i keep thinking that everything is awkward and even tim was like if he know then its been awkward yet i havent noticed. what is that suppose to mean?! it's confusing the heck outta me!! i really think he knows but i dunno what to do if he does know. the one question i have to ask myself would be, what do i want to happen if he knows?... that really is the question i gotta answer myself first. i really like how it is before. we were close and always talk online and in person. i miss handballing every saturday with him....it was the thing we had together. i think when we were in school it was better. cuz then we didnt see each other everyday. now that we do see each other every day we hardly talk. but just seeing him makes me look straight into his eyes. there was this one time at the volunteers orientation on the first day that he leaned on the pue in front of us and we looked into each others eyes for like a second but then looked away. looking him in the eyes...my hearts start beating so fast sometimes when he's around me. it's getting harder and harder to find things to say. i want to avoid him sometimes because i dont want other people to know. i dont want everyone to know and make a scene. i want to be the person to tell him i like him. we're on the same floor so we see each other alot. he makes the drinks all the time so i see him alot. sometimes i wanna just go up to him and start a convo but its so hard!i wanna jus tell him everything! but i should wait...dai low knows about it already....he teased me about it today D: like give him the heart that i made in art. what i really wanna do is break it in half and give it to him. give him the bigger half of my heart. i really would like to do that but it would take so much courage...i'm so afraid of him knowing how much i like him. sometimes i cry about how stupid i am, like why this is happening. and like its even more painful not knowing how much he knows about this. he doesnt read my blog. he wouldn't know how much i like him. he wouldnt know how i feel. its so different for me cuz it started when there was school and its summer now, our daily routines are different. i dont know how he's gonna be. we're on teh same floor, we see each other during lunch, i get so nervous around him. why?!?! its too much for me to handle. i wana know his answer but im so afraid! i keep telling myself theres still time later for this i'm too young but i can't help it now can i? i really do like him and so many people know, but do they get what i'm feeling inside? its summer thats bringing all this emotion to me...

i just wanna get outta here sometimes. into nature. maybe with him alone and having the courage to tell him and if he rejects my feelings then....

i'll try talking to him...if i can...he has all this depressing statuses...it makes me so sad. i know what its like to want to die too. to hurt urself on the outside to kill the things on the inside...

陳敏聰...