love is patient, love is kind.

it's such a rainy day, and they were stuck at the train station. i was so worried i had to give him a call. and he asks why i was at his room when he came back, well because i wanted to see him. i really wanted to tell him that but love is patient, love is kind. i think i finally understand what those verses mean. love is patient so i will wait for him to notice. and love is kind, i worry about his safety and pray for him. although i may never have a chance, i think this is what love is suppose to be. although i have yet to understand the verses, love does not envy, it does not boast.

calvin said his arm had something written on it yesterday. j+p. i wonder who wrote that...

when he asks me all these questions, it could be asking asking about me, but i thought the opposite. i was thinking, who is he thinking of. maybe it's one of his coworkers...it's possible. the summer can being crazy things...it just wont bring that closeness between us.

4 kids crying all at once is very tiring to deal with...

bringing friends to Christ

i've just noticed how passionate i am about serving God. i remembered last year how i got dana to volunteer at sdc, and she came to know Christ. and this year as i look at carmen and sanna i hope they will get to know Christ as dana did last summer. i invited them to come to sdc to work and slowly they are changing their views on Christianity. they are more open and they really like it here at ocm. i hope they will start coming sundays and i will continue to urge them to come but i hope one day they will come on their own will as i have. there is this fulfilling happiness in my heart as i bring people to know Christ. this is the happiness that fills me. this was the missing part of my heart.

ordinary day of sdc?

seems like it. i made cheesecake to bring in. i wanted him to be the first to try but he wasnt =T i think nelson was. but cheesecake wasnt that great cuz of the heat D: im baking brownies for tomorrow. it seems like when i see him everyday he's really distant from me.

blessed are those who are merciful for they will be shown mercy.

played alot of guitar today :D

car crash

today was the graduation party for the class of '09! mad fun playing the bagel game and typical day game. i have pics of the typical day game so i gotta put em up on facebook. and i really enjoyed playing around with him during the training for the street fair. it was really fun. its like how it used to be. the beauty of simplicity.

other then that something else happened today. it was a rainy day with very hard thunderstorms every now and then. simon was driving me david kingston and felix home from church and we were on the highway after the brooklyn bridge, there was a car service car that stopped on front of us and simon kicked the brakes but we didnt stop on time so we crashed but it was a big crash. that other guys car had no problem and wasnt damaged and all of us were fine but simons car was a bit bad in the front right side. but the main thing was that we were all alright. that was the first time i was ever in a car crash. it shocked me so much even tho it was minor. but God definetly blessed us because as we drove off we saw on the other side we saw 3 car accidents. all the cars were damaged pretty badly. the front hood was gone on some of them . but God showed me how we were so lucky and He protected us. we coulda been hurt even more badly and we could have been in a car wreck. but God protected us from any of it. even when it was slippery and the other side there were so many accidents we were the lucky ones. simon's car damage was the last thing i worried about because we were so safe. today i've seen how God works in my life. He protects us.

as i got home and asked my mom about the student leader retreat. i told her Rocky lives in NJ and she said it would be fine to chill there if we stayed over and i rejoiced!! i was so happy. she can finally see how i'm happy with being in OCM and my church buddies. thank you God.

back to those simple days

today was like how it used to be. just me and him and nelson playing handball. we laughed and joked around just like we used to. it brought back so much memories and even though i was tired and played bad i still continued, cuz thats how we was back then too. we didnt care, we just played like there was no other day. i realized how much those days meant to me because thats how it all started. how i started to realize i liked him just so much. i felt so happy just to have today bringing back so many memories. i waited till he came and i didnt care if i was late, i just wanted to be with him and spend our time together like we used to. the 3 of us together made it the best with the jokes and laughter. i wished that hour never ended, i wish these saturdays never ended. but in the end it did cuz today was justin lui's birthday party. that hour we had together had to end either way...i'll cherish every moment i have with him.

i'd do anything for him

it's true that i'd do anything for him. anything that he asks of i would do it with all i have. like today he asked me to make something for him and i finished it in a few hours, thats the power of liking someone. today we talked like we usually do. i guess teh whole time i been thinking too much. i hope he wears it tomorrow >.< i wanted to give him a heart too but he rejected it. maybe that was too much. i like him so much. even though there were people that asked me to make stuff for them before he asked i made his request before anyone elses. i really really do like him alot. i won't ever tell him tho. just being like how it was today is all i'll ever ask for.

reading his blog makes me just wonder how he thinks inside his head. the thoughts on his blog are just so sad and deepening like how i think. as i walk in the rain it blends in with my tears. i really want to talk to him whenever i read one of his blogs but i know he won't accept me. he said theres someone thats bringing him down...i wonder who that person is. what i really just want to do is to spend time with him. whether it be with nelson handballing on saturdays or just talking during sdc, i really enjoy it.

ups and downs

i went through many ups and downs this week, and i still been thinking about him. i still wonder what he thinks of me, wondering if he thinks of me at all and wonder what he's doing at this very moment. and whenever i see him its still painful to not know what to say or do. me trying to make it casual ends up just walking away and yesterday...right when i walked out he left. i'm so afraid that he knows but i remembered these lyrics... I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy, To call upon Your name, but because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed.

Youth Sunday was amazing preparing for it was awesome too! i was so excited for it and choosing clothes for kingston was so funny xD although he wasn't there for the weekend, i managed to get through. i loved the songs that we were singing. The stand and unashamed! my favorite songs but the best thing was probably Nelson's testimony and him doing little by little.

Harry Potter movie wasn't as great as i expected =T i went with calvin felix and kevin, but i only sat next to calvin cuz it was mad full. i only got scared in one part but it was alright. wasn't as great as i expected. me and calvin was talking and felix being so nosey told tim about some stuff and he was like he knows who bear is and it got me so mad!!! D:< but it's so hard for me to stay mad at someone so i was alright the next day.

even though i see him every day in this summer it wasn't what i expected everything to be. i wanted us to be talking everyday and chilling but now...it's just not how i pictured it. we're even further apart as friends. and we don't talk on aim now either... we slowly died out...dana said i was like this when i like sunny also but i'm way worse now. and i liked sunny for a pretty long time...3 years? maybe around there. but this time i feel really different. i feel like we were so close and we're so far apart. i pray to God to help me let go. i know i don't have a chance. i just have this feeling. no matter how much i continue to like him...it just won't work out for me...

all i want is to love and be loved

isn't that what everyone wants? sometimes i'm so head over heels about this love i have for one person i forget all about God being there whenever i need Him. all i want is to love and be loved and i got that love from God. im fussing over this love for this one person that i may never have the guts to tell...i'll wait till summer conference but i probably wont even have the guts. things between us aren't that bad now, we talk like normal again but rarely do we have alone time to talk. theres always someone there or he's never there when im alone. im reading and hoping to have him there next to me just sitting there like that day may 22. he knew something was wrong and listened, sitting next to me the whole time. i really want that night again. where we're just next to each other even if its just silence, just him being there comforts me. i wonder what the chances are that he knows or even accepts me....he's reading that book Angels&Demons. i read it last summer and it was nice. its up to that point where sometimes i dont even say anything to me because im afraid of what he'll think of me. some people can fall in "love" so easily but love does take a long time. i will only say i like him alot because love is such a strong word. God loves me i know. i really really like him up to the point where im nervous around him sometimes but i want to feel that comfort when im around him like we had before. i really want to just handball with him again. i really miss those days. where i didnt need to think of anything else.

where did those days go? i think about him so much, see him so much, but its all inside of me. it's all kept inside and maybe i'll never get the chance to tell him.

很心痛啊！

我看到他们在一起的时候，我真的不开心。 他们喜欢对方。 我不知道我可以怎么做。。。

brokenhearted island

this island is so big. so is this forest.
today wasn't as bad as last night. the kids cheered me up although many times i felt like crying because everytime i see him, i know that i don't have a chance. its a stabbing pain through my heart. last i cried was on the train to work. that was good. i didnt want anyone seeing at work. i avoided him as much as i could today. its so hard doing that to the person u like so much. but i talked to him about his braces for a bit. he took them off. but it wasnt much of a convo, he was signing out...there was bible study today and i saw her again. seeing her made me just want to burst out in tears. i stopped myself tho. i dont want my eyes to be as puffy tomorrow like they were today. i won't cry tonight. i finally found someone that can relate to me. and its calming me down a bit.

i shouldn't be sad over this stuff, like tim said im too young for this...
but i can't seem to help it can i?

i should just give up

i should give up. i should...continuing this would just make me feel even worse.
i talked to calvin and carmen about this in Yaya's today. calvin told me alot about everyone in this forest. im in this forest too. but im left alone. im left alone because i know that he likes her and she likes him. im not his type. calvin was pretty sure they like each other. what calvin says is most likely true. its just so hard to accept the fact that he likes her. i shouldn't have had any hopes of him having a bit of feelings for me, it was foolish to think that even for a bit that he liked me. who am i to compare to her? they have known each other for so long and they're so much alike. i can't compare myself to her. i just need some time. i gotta let go and cry it all out. i need time. i can't continue this anymore. i gotta distance myself from him. the pain will be less later. it was just so much simpler 2 months ago, when i didnt know any of this. when we could hb every saturday. when we just joked around. but all of that meant nothing to him. only i thought more of it. only i was the idiot. he doesnt think of me as more then a friend. he musta caught on that i like him. thats what calvin said. and i planned it all out to tell him how i felt at summer conference. now i can't stand seeing him cuz i just get sadder and sadder. i remember how just seeing him made me happier now....i gotta avoid him. i shouldn't have told anyone this. if only i didnt start talking about this. i didnt have to know any of this. i shouldnt have asked calvin about any of this. this is too much to take in...

i remembered when i started liking him...now i'll remember the day i gotta start giving up.

too many people know. =(

this post is just about him.
wayy too many people know about this.....
tim is right we shouldn't talk about it like have a whole convo when other people around don't know about it. i shouldn't have told so many people. so far...julie, carmen, elaine, and ricky. they are the people that are up to date. ricky doesnt know who bear is but the others do. everythings been getting to my head. i dont know how i make it obvious sometimes, but i guess sometimes i slip. even if people get it right now i wont say anything... i'll be like no to everything. thats the only thing i can do now. its been getting to me. i keep thinking that everything is awkward and even tim was like if he know then its been awkward yet i havent noticed. what is that suppose to mean?! it's confusing the heck outta me!! i really think he knows but i dunno what to do if he does know. the one question i have to ask myself would be, what do i want to happen if he knows?... that really is the question i gotta answer myself first. i really like how it is before. we were close and always talk online and in person. i miss handballing every saturday with him....it was the thing we had together. i think when we were in school it was better. cuz then we didnt see each other everyday. now that we do see each other every day we hardly talk. but just seeing him makes me look straight into his eyes. there was this one time at the volunteers orientation on the first day that he leaned on the pue in front of us and we looked into each others eyes for like a second but then looked away. looking him in the eyes...my hearts start beating so fast sometimes when he's around me. it's getting harder and harder to find things to say. i want to avoid him sometimes because i dont want other people to know. i dont want everyone to know and make a scene. i want to be the person to tell him i like him. we're on the same floor so we see each other alot. he makes the drinks all the time so i see him alot. sometimes i wanna just go up to him and start a convo but its so hard!i wanna jus tell him everything! but i should wait...dai low knows about it already....he teased me about it today D: like give him the heart that i made in art. what i really wanna do is break it in half and give it to him. give him the bigger half of my heart. i really would like to do that but it would take so much courage...i'm so afraid of him knowing how much i like him. sometimes i cry about how stupid i am, like why this is happening. and like its even more painful not knowing how much he knows about this. he doesnt read my blog. he wouldn't know how much i like him. he wouldnt know how i feel. its so different for me cuz it started when there was school and its summer now, our daily routines are different. i dont know how he's gonna be. we're on teh same floor, we see each other during lunch, i get so nervous around him. why?!?! its too much for me to handle. i wana know his answer but im so afraid! i keep telling myself theres still time later for this i'm too young but i can't help it now can i? i really do like him and so many people know, but do they get what i'm feeling inside? its summer thats bringing all this emotion to me...

i just wanna get outta here sometimes. into nature. maybe with him alone and having the courage to tell him and if he rejects my feelings then....

i'll try talking to him...if i can...he has all this depressing statuses...it makes me so sad. i know what its like to want to die too. to hurt urself on the outside to kill the things on the inside...

陳敏聰...

awkwardness

its getting harder and harder to talk to him...
does he know? dai low knows about it...i dont want so many to know...

second day of SDC!!
its been great. i have first graders, tim elaine and nic are my teachers. we get along pretty well but it seems like tim is the main teacher doing most of the stuff. its kinda weird working for him cuz i think i might slack off so i gotta watch out for that. the kids are cutee but we can't play with them like with the kindegarteners =( he is doing another grade. i didnt want to be so close with him all the time. especially when ppl start knowing who he is. the kids get nap time so thats like another break for me. everything is going well except....

i am afraid that he knows. i'm afraid of what he'll think of me.

the protector; the counselor

at the syep orientation thursday...
personality test... INFJ- The Counselor; ISFJ- The Protector.
i think i got the same as last year...

INFJ- the counselor
-always wants to help others
-about 1% of the population
-private and sensitive
-often studies liberal arts
-keeps eye on tomorrow, prize recognition
-seem mysterious
-can understand others emotions often before that person does ->has a sense of ESP or innate understanding of people, things & events.
-seek harmony around them
-good students that are high achievers who are very creative
-can be hard to get to know because they tend to be reserved
the most important thing is being faithful to their vision.
future jobs can be religious work, or psychiatrists.

ISFJ - The Protector
-dervice great satisfaction from caring for others
-kind quiet and dependable
-enjoy assisting the downtrodden and can handle disability and neediness in others
-not open or talkative unless with close friends & relatives
-sincere & serious
-strong work ethics, believe work is good and play is earned
-willing to work long hours
-very thorough
-can be misunderstood and undervalued
-dependable
the most important thing is living a stable, predictable life and helping people in real ways
possible jobs would be nurse,clergy/religious work, and social work.

i think most of it is true except i dont have ESP. im really thinking of doing something either in medical or religious work.

today the picnic at battery park was fun. it was so relaxing just lying on the grass and tanning. and looking at the river seems to relieve my mind of everything but the whole time i wished i retook the shsat so i can see him everyday and have that great view of the hudson river. i took a break from playing vball and frisbee and took a walk by teh river. its really great having that place of peace and quiet. its like that place i have in brooklyn. i really like it there. its nice that justin got that place everyday for lunch. i would go there if i can. i really just kept thinking of him the whole week. he was gone for so long...i really missed him. i'm glad he came back and i got to talk to him. i wish we can share that place of peace and quiet together. i long for that. maybe one day after work we can...i got the whole summer even if im not working with him. summer love may not be the best but i'll make the best of it with him <3

my 15th!!

omgsh finally 15!!
theres only one thing that made my day..he called all the way from south dakota!!! i was sooo happy!! i couldnt stop smiling!! well from the beginning...i went to OCM to paint 602 so kids can be in that classroom for sdc. there was too many paint chippings on the ceiling so we had to repaint it all. it was funn. i really didnt want to leave there. cuz that stupid orientation was boring as helll!!! but carmen, raymond, and courtney got me a hugeee balloon and a BIG lollipop... there were smaller ones inside it tho. but freaking there for 6 hours doing nothing and not even learning much...but afterr all that boring stuff a great thing happened when i walked out. he called me :D i was soo happy!! he called to say happy birthday! i was jumping in joy!!nelson and some other ppl said stuff too but i couldnt really hear and i got cut off. that really made my day!! it brought me up so much. then as i got to OCM they had something planned for me. they gave me a big surprise in the hallways. like they used those things from chinese new year and popped it!! 2 of them!! it was a big mess but i reallly loved how they did that for me. ricky gave me a teddy bear and david got me a penguin. james got me shades and and a chessecake from Junior's!!! it was goodd!!!
i enjoyed my birthday!! i just wanted to spend it with my friends <3 and at church i felt like i was at home even with those few people there. i loved it. i can say it was one of my best ones ever<3
he just made my day by calling me<3