still awake O.o

it's 4 in the morning and i aint the least tired yet. this is baddd. but during this time i also thought about how to witness to my family more. maybe through the tiniest cracks i can tell them somehow that i've changed for the better since i became a Christian. looking over my Bible for some answers too. i really hope i can wake up when school comes around and conference too. i tend to sleep like an hour really early in the morning >< this sucks D:

praising in the middle of times square

so today i went out with joycee chan ♥ i haven't hung out with her in ages so we went to ct and yaya's. i really wanted her to go to church with me and i nagged her to go. when we went up she thought it was really awkward and i got sad she wasn't really enjoying herself =T but then wen we where playing ping pong she started learning and got it down pretty quick. i barely beat her lol. i was happy she starting being more herself and having fun! then when pingpong fun was over she started playing handball with Ricky. i'm glad that everyone was trying their best to make joyce feel comfortable. i feel really accomplished having her enjoy herself. and maybe God has a plan for her to come back. but until that happens, i'll be praying for it.

well i missed devotions and had to leave early and go with my family to times square. we had sooo much fun in times square! i felt like such a kid again when we were in the huge Toy R' Us :] i played DDR with my sister!! we had soo much fun as a family and we were lucky enough to see the new years 2010 ball go up and down & light up!! soo cool! then when we were going to go home by the train, there was a big group of people singing how great is our god! i wanted to join too! then they sang lord i lift your name on high. i wish i had the courage to scream up JESUS! in the part. but my family was there. i really wanted them to stay and feel the enjoyment that i had. but in part i felt happy that they know somehow that i love singing these songs. even if it was for a moment, while praising God through those songs, i told them that YES I AM A CHRISTIAN! hopefully i can continue witnessing to them through these things that God planned! i know it was God's planning that we passed by that group of people. it wasn't just by chance. Thank You God!

van helsing

yesterday was a great day but i realized that all my life i'm so used to being bossed around by my sister, someone can tell me something and i would seriously think they mean it. like someone tells me to move over a bit and i would and not think of anything else. =/

anyways me carmen elaine courtney brittany kingston felix and harry went to MoMA!! it was so beautiful there. in a way, i love art! i really wanted to go to the Tim Burton exhibition but i needed a timed ticket. courtney and felix got in thought!!! D: and they didn't call any of us. first we all split up but then i walked around with kingston and only carmen and harry were alone =( MoMA is such a nice museum. i love the architecture of it. like you can see the second floos middle section where there's a big dinosaur from sooo many angles. i def wanna go there again!

well after the museum we had mucho fun for 2 hours and we were debating where to go.i was so tired x.x eventually we went to get sushi and crashed at felixs place. it's sooo beautiful there!!! his house is three floors and they own all of it. we stayed on the second floor. ate sushi family style! ^_^ but then elaine courtney and brittany had to leave and they called car service. we were suppose to watch a movie and we took sooo long to decide what to watch. i reallly wanted to see a millionaires first love but they all saw it. i wanna see it in a group lol. by like 7:30 we finally decided to see Van Helsing. a vampire/werewolf movie!!! soo cool!! even though i wanted to watch Titanic though. i left maddd late >< i was so afraid i would get in trouble again but of course i didn't cuz my sister went to sleep when i got home :D that was a relief. i had an amazing day fellowshiping with these awesomest brothers and sisters.

last sunday of '09

although i had to miss church today i still had fun fellowship-ing with everyone that went ice skating. even though nelson didnt go =.= i love ice skating. if it was possible i wished i took classes to figure skate better. i fell quite a few times. and skating with kingston reminded me of when we were in sdc a lonng while back lol it was so much fun that first year we went ice skating together. but i can still pwn him in ice skating :D sadly he didn't fall at all rawr i fell so many times!!! i still wanna go ice skating before the break ends and before conference. it would be just amazing if we could go as cana together. too bad we couldn't go on thanksgiving. i was superrrr tired after skating. when we got on the train, i couldn't even stand up. i was so tired...and HUNGRY!!! i wanted food lol so we went to eat with felix and calvin and i can't believe felix got so red from eating spicy foods haha. i enjoyed today alot. im reallyyyy tired now. tomorrow will be MoMa with kingston carmen elaine harry and maybe matt. it'll be funnnn!!

insomnia again

can't sleep again. i feel like writing more but my minds been empty. right now im talking to minje, richie and barnes. min and barnes, going to urbana tomorrow yet they're still awake. tsktsk

我们爱因为神先爱我们。

we love because God first loved us. - 1 John 4:19

i never realized this verse even though it was on my bookmark for so long. after looking up that verse and reading the passage following it, i have much to learn.

²⁰If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. ²¹And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
-1 John 4:20-21

this i still need to put into my heart. many of us say we love God but we "hate" so many other people. very often, the word "hate" is used and it's such a strong word. we use it so lightly too. how many times in your life so far have u said u hate someone? speaking for myself i have probably said it daily before i met Christ and even after i knew Christ i may have said. maybe it was just coincidence that i remembered these words but it's definitely God's planning and reminder for me to not hate my family even though they've done so much to me. i need to persevere through these times. i can't say i love God that i've never seen and say i hate my family whom i known all my life. because God loved us first, we're given this feeling called love. and because i love God for all He has done for me, i must love the family He has given me. He is the only one that can fill this empty <3 into a full ♥

sometimes i feel like giving up and running away, but i'll always remember that God gave me all this because He knows i can handle it all. He's even given me such awesome friends that help me through everything. all in all it's His plan for me and i trust in Him.

weirdest dream last night

soo i still have insomnia buttt i took this like one hour nap and i had the weirdest dream. there was a bunch of people in it but the one thing i remember was constantly holding hands with this one person that i'd never think i would hold hands with. sooo weird. was it him? i wont name names cuz it'll be weird...as if it isn't weird enough lol it's like we were in a car and he ended up sitting next to me, then our hands touched and he held it close together. dreams are soo weird. but it's a dream so it'll never happen. dreams like this happened before. but they never came true. thats good. i still wanna be good friends with everyone and not let my feelings ruin everything :] i♥cana†

jesus is the reason for the season

persevering
soo longggg storyyy these past 2 days.
christmas eve- caroling in front of church ♥ one of the best moments i had this year. i thank God for all the trials he's given me these past two days. santa hat "jesus is the reason for the season" it made me think that it's so true. many people may have forgotten that there is CHRIST in CHRISTmas. i enjoyed the christmas eve musical worship. it was so much fun listening to the choir sing. caroling is so mcuh. i wished we had teh guts to sing on the train x] after the service it was around 9 and it was pretty late. i was pretty sure that my mom would let me stay out to chill with cana for dinner although i was broke. i was hungry but i didn't want to borrow peoples money to eat. i coulda survived without dinner for one night right? so then i called my moms phone during dinner and my sister picked up. i was scared but i told her i was out with cana eating and i had people going home with me but she yelled at me. she told me to not go home and she'll lock the door so don't bother going home at all. i felt so sad. everyone was happy after caroling and they gave me food too. i lost my appetite cuz i might need a place to stay for the night. i didn't want everyone to ask me whats wrong and such so i went outside trying to think of what to do. carmen and king came out asking me what's wrong and they wouldn't go back in if i didn't and more ppl came out. i felt so bad so i went back in. i told carmen and king only cuz i trusted them alot. they helped me through so much already. we loitered around ct for a longg time before leaving. carmen called alot of people to see if i can stay over thier house. i ♥ her. people stayed out really late because of me and i felt soo bad but i'm so happy to know that people care. especially Ricky too cuz he wouldn't let me frown. thanks kingston for giving me his jacket even though it was freezing out! i felt so warm even through the sad times :] and they were all like call me if anything. i'm so happy that God blessed me with these friends. i ♥ cana. they're always there for me. Rocky said he would come down and get me if so i had a place to stay, nelson said he'd come over and give me some food and bring his guitar n attempt to fix it. lol i love these guys. made my day. in the end i got home. i was in the bathroom txting everyone that i was fine and wishing everyone a merry Christmas xD u guys talked me through the sad times and made me happy again <3 thanks all of you guys for the support and prayers. i wouldn't have done it without u guys. i had a really memorable Christmas eve.
Christmas day~happy birthday Jesus and Timmy yan!
Christmas was also very memorable. although i got slapped by my sister i still had u guys there to talk to. thanks again cana. espcially ROCKY!! ricky carmen kingston nelson ♥ and everyone that was talking to me! i went to times square with my family and took many many pics. had an awesome time and im getting fat eatin Junior's but who cares i'm happy.

i thank God for the trials he's given me because through them i see the love that my friends give me and i gained the strength to persevere. even through these bad times i know that there are people out there cheering me on and praying for me. i won't let them down. i'll be strong. i may cry and fall but i will get up and praise God for everything He's given me.

long weekend?

i guess i can say that. much has happened and i realized that i don't really care what he thinks anymore. but if he did say something to me i would respond. it's been too long anyways. like i always say there's so much more to life!
anywayyyy 12.19.09- first snow storm!! it's so beautiful u know? God's creation is simply beautiful.
12.20.09 - i thought there was chinese school....ended up that it was canceled and i was all dressed up wtheckk D: a lot happened that day. i gave out christmas gifts, went to SoHo and boom Ricky was feeling down down down down down. i was so worried that i cried at the renovation banquet. but i had kingston there to give me a big warm hug, minna to talk to and the rest of cana there to ask if i was feeling alright. with everyone there trying to make me happy, how can i possibly feel sad? i love cana <3 thanks rachael and sharon making the banquet quite fun and bringing that smile back on my face. and i'm glad Ricky has been feeling better. i pray that he'll continue to be happier!
12.21.09 - Seeker's was....awesome! jacob went :D really happy that i can get more people to come. and we had an amazing time. the cookies were good!! and i WILL find out who sent those cards lol that person was so smart to type out everything and not handwrite rawrr and Ricky was continuing to feel better!
12.22.09 - today went by pretty quick. i'm still debating whether to finish the gift and give it to him...like the meaning is gone already...i'll just put it all in the card
and just talked to some that doesn't care if i cut cuz he honestly can't keep tabs on me, i really remembered every word he said. those words hurt but it was the truth... the truth hurts. i needed someone to talk to that i trusted everything with before. wtheckk...feeling down pray for me please

i hope the Christmas spirit will cheer me up. can't wait till we start caroling in chinatown :]

who cares what guys think

who cares what guys think =p
who cares what he thinks. its only him, i got my own values. :D
soo i got help from king so i guess stuff will be alright. i gotta take the intiative and maybe he'll see through hopefully. madd stress lately but i got some sleep in. maybe a few hours in so thats one good thing. family is a bit better. i really want to make sunday school, it might be the last class that boaz is teaching and i haven't gone for like a month, but i'll do anyhting i can to go this sunday. school's almost over!!
Christmas is almost here! this song i really really love!! last christmas-1sagain. i love that song. but i got mistaken for when i pput the lyrics as my status...i'll give it to somebody special...it wasn't really meant for someone directly. i'll never do that again =.= i didn't really get presents this year for ppl. i didn't go crazy. im saving my money for more important things...like FOOD!! jkjk for missions and for winter conference. i really really wanna go to missions so i gotta do my best to show how good i am to my mom. pray for me plz.

it's that feeling again y'know?

confusion and uncertainty dwelling in my mind. what should i do? i asked for help but what can i do when i already know the answer and what's gonna happen. written in words in the middle of class. ruined my day and had me thinking what to say next. it's so painful. Lord help me break free of the chains of human emotions...

back to square 1

sigh what's going on in my life now? so many things that are taking over me, the sadness, the confusion, the pain...everything... i wish everything would just go away.

agravating day

had four test in a row today and i only knew i had a global and math test.
french teacher gave a pop quiz....
global test=failure
math test=super failure
eng "quiz"....took the whole period....def considered a test

and to add to this day lost clothes at home. WTHECK!! such an agravating day...can't stand this. talking to a werewolf might make me calmer but talking to God will def calm my heart.

lonely day at school

so boring at school today =(
他不在学校今天，很闷啊！ 每一天有他在我身边很开心！！ 我希望他会好一点，病好了！如果我会喜欢一个人我想快点知道他是谁! 这是我心底的话，我相信上帝有安排给我。我很感谢神给我很多机会，我一定不会令他失望。我会珍惜祂的机会。我也希望上帝保护有病的兄弟姐妹，因为他们是神的孩子。谭兄弟和很多的朋友也病。听到他们不舒服我不开心 =( 祈祷他们会好一点。感觉神！
我的爱清故事会怎么样？

i have a secret. ;] i like someone shhhh

thinking back on this week

it's the start of december. can't believe time passed by so fast already. it seemed like yesterday it was just summer and my 406 kids where still there. i miss it. and the many problems i had in the summer are mostly solved. this week has been a really longgg week. i've talked to many people about my problems and im so glad God gave me these friends to vent out on. especially my family problems. i hope tomorrow i can go to sunday school. someone i reallly really thank is kingston. he's been hearing me out on every problem i've been having so far. friends and family. i still can't believe i lost a brother like that. he meant so much to me. and he's been there for me since summer, you can't just break a bond like that. but i did something wrong and i guess i really did break that bond and the closeness he felt for me. i've been having so many troubles lately. boy problems? lol maybe. i still remember what dai low said "no cutting and no boys in high school!" LOL i broke the first rule he gave me already. i cut to his lunch period almost everyday back last school year. and the second i havent broken..yet xD
thinking back on this week alot has happened. in a few aspects of my life. i really liked bible study yesterday tho cuz i needed that to talk to my sister again. she asked me about God and know i have the basic answers to answer her. i won't be afraid to tell her anymore cuz God is by my side. i will fear no evil, for my God is with me and if my God is withh me, whom then shall i fear. it said that in Psalms too. thanks God for giving me the courage to speak. i will share the gospel with her and show her that i sm indeed a Christian and not just going for friends. friends led me to church but what kept me there is God and His unfailing love for me. sweetly broken, wholly surrendered. i'm unashamed to tell people who i trust in. but because of grace, because of your mercy, i stand here unashamed.
i know my answer now. i'm so glad that i know what is right and what is wrong. we may not know His plan for the future but we can trust in Him. and that is what i'll do. i will trust you and i will not be afraid. right here and now i know God's guiding me. though love in a complex world is hard to grapse i'll leave it to God to lead the way. maybe He's leading the way already. 我喜歡一個人.

true fellowship is where true happiness lies.
amen. i am truly happy when im with them. and i can feel God watching over us

stuck on my mind-ish kinda thought

been on my mind for a while. been talking to emily about him too. i suck at dancing but he was so nice about it. i'm so afraid that i wont get it in time. i really am >.< im so badd and he's awesome! what can i do...i practice but i still cant emphasize the moves like he does. gotta work harder!!
i got this feeling but i'm not sure if it's the devil tempting me. i liked him for so long and i wonder if i'm over him. he's still a really good friend to me. we been through alot. this may be like a spiritual high. a false feeling. but i'm still not sure about. God lead the way for me. i pray about it and God lead the way for me. a relationship is kept for someone that is special and who God leads me to. i dont want temptation to lead me to something wrong. i need to be a good leader for those who look to me for help. i leave it in His hand to guide me through everything. i won't keep this part of my life for myself to make the wrong choices. give me courage Father. to face everything in life. i don't want this to be a problem that im facing now. all i want to put my everything in now is telling my parents who i am. a believer in Christ.

i lost a gaw. by those words i felt hurt. i felt betrayed on that one day where he said something that i vent out to him. it broke my heart to hear him say don't call him gaw anymore...