been sleeping again

im happy to say that im finally sleeping again. after a talking about some stuff with someone i feel like im able to let go even though that was only part of what i had to go through. there were so many things that i couldn't say out loud because i was so ashamed of myself but im unashamed to tell this to God and let Him be my Redeemer and take it all away. because of winter conference, i was able to let go and stop hiding it painfully. after letting it out i was able to sleep normally again. thanks kingston! the video reception went really well even though we were pretty late.

so i missed sunday school sadly again today...i feel really bad. and there will be screening for JAMS next week. i really think im biased toward some people and i gotta stop. idk why...i just dont like it. im sorta nervous for the screening but it doesnt matter cuz in the end its for God no matter where im singing praise to Him, from the crowd or leading it. i feel God's calling to lead people in praise because of my passion for praise. i might start learning piano and guitar hardcore after finals are over. i know i'll never be great at it but it'll be good enough to play for God. i just gotta try my best and if i still fail at it there's always the Scripture which i can turn to. i shall be optimistic more often now.

to find the silver lining.

finally playing handball again.

to kick off this week there was common time!! yays. i'm not really in the odd for anything though. just waiting for thursday to come =T i finally played hb today after a superr long time. like 3 or more months. thats pretty long. but i was happy that i got my basics down like power and serves. i beat david 11-3 i think and Ricky 28-27. ricky's game was pretty close and we deuce 3 times before i finally got ricky. intense game there. i'm so lost in my classes x.x i needa study for math T_T i got a math quiz tomorrow and i barely understand the stuff. this is really bad! i needa memorize the formulas!! and ctap i didn't finish my drawing that was due last week but i got an extension. crap this is bad but i really don't have the motivation. =/

i feel as if i'm living everyday waiting for something the next day. life seems just so weird for me now. like i'm waiting for thursday cuz thats the day i actually have something planned to do and i can finally let out some stuff. ughhh life is really sucking for me now. i'm always tired and i never get sleep cuz it's so hard to sleep at night. i need coffee but at the same time it's coffee thats killing my sleep. i pray to God for rest and He gave me rest last night for a bit but i still cant seem to get my regular sleeping schedule back. high school is suppose to be the time where i enjoy hanging out with friends daily but all i do during the week is lock myself in barnes and nobles to study for stuff that i still can't seem to remember. it's one of those things i think of....

God's working in my life

so i had a superrr long week. haven't had time to blog since i went back to school. i didn't even get a chance to talk to kingston yet =T i dunno who else i can trust with it. we never get a chance to talk...hopefully this week. so school really sucked and i'm not getting good grades. my weekend was really great though.
friday- bible study. liana, victoria came :D then practice went really well and my mom didn't get mad that i went home pretty late.
saturday- i baked in the morning then planned to go to mts but i had to take care of my grandma. i was freaking out when i thought she fell down the stairs. thank God that she didn't. i baked in the morning, sugar cookies for hotpoting at felix's. i met up at the bowling alley to give sandra her present. cookies! hotpot was great. tim, stanley, kingston, wendy, carmen, lorraine, erica, me and felix. it was soo filling and we had a pretty fun time fooling around afterwards. mostly the older guys messing around with each other. like playing rowshambow or however you spell it lol can't believe kingston fell for it so many times xD we watched the day after tomorrow. i really love that movie no matter how many times i watch it. it ended at like 11 though =.= but my mom didn't get that mad at me surprisingly. i thought i would get beat up when i got home but i told her someone was driving me home and i called to check up with her.
sunday- so today i was on set. i went late to practice cuz i didn't get a wake up call and benny who offered to call me apparently didn't have my number....but i made it to sunday school on time. i feel like i missed out on alot of things in sunday school. i missed like half a semister cuz of stuff at home but i'm glad that i can finally go back. at least i wasn't the latest one. i was pretty nervous when we were practicing before service. like i messed up on my verse and i was freaking out that i'd mess up when it was time to sing. but i prayed to God to calm my heart and give me the courage to sing because it's to praise Him. i prayed and prayed and when it got to my part i wasn't nervous at all because i felt God telling me to relax and everybody was singing along. i felt no nervousness. it was a comfortable crowd that i was leading. my vocals aren't the greatest or the loudest but it's my first time. i pulled it off pretty well. God's def working in my life and making me get rid of that stage fright that i thought i always had. hakuna mungu kama wewe! energetic song! mi alabanza seguira! spanish song. multi-ethnic worship. amazing worship time. then in chinese school we won our poem contest thing. 1st place!! we're awesome like that! so we got $30 for a party in 2 weeks. :D the teacher doesn't hate me that much haha. i still didn't manage to have time to talk with kingston about that past event. i really want to let it out. so i won't feel suffocated but i'm letting God take it away. because He is my Redeemer. He can take away all teh sadnesss from the past and through the healing, He can use me in the future.
i still remember Pastor Hoon's semons. they really stick out to me :]

White as Snow; New years day

So it’s the first day of Winter Conference ’10, White as Snow.

This morning I woke up late….. I ended up waking up at 7ish which is late cuz I slept at like 5 or 6 =( then I ate some congee and left. My mommy was so nice that she took the train with me to Chinatown and helped me with my luggage which was A LOT cuz of all the snacks and the comforter. While bringing me there she met Pastor Rocky. I was really happy to have them talk and him tell her that I am a good girl and the things that I do here aren’t bad. I was really happy but I got there at like 8:40 and it was pretty late. I had to help load the bus too. I got some coffee and ling cha. I sat next to Kelly on the bus and my sis let me bring her laptop!! I needed to do some homework anyways. So then I forgot to eat my medicine till the bus started moving and it takes at least an hour for the medicine to kick in. I was using the laptop and working on some stuff then I felt sooo bus sick. So I gave it to anne and nelson to watch Initial D. I LOVE that movie, cuz jay chou is in it LOL I went into fetal position and I felt a lot better. The bus ride was about an hour n half. By the time I woke up we were already there. I had like 3 carry ons cuz of the snacks x] we got off and registered then back into our cabins. i’m in cabin 5 with Kelly, Jessica, and faith. I think this was nelsons old cabin lol I heard him saying something about that. The cabins are alright. There’s 3 bunk beds and a king size bed which is super comfy. I took the top bunk near the window to feel safer. The blankets and pillows look….disgusting. they have yellow streaks on it like it’s never been washed…. I don’t feel safe if I use it. I set up my bed then went to eat play on swings and then lunch. The lunch was hot dog and burger. It didn’t taste the greatest. I have a cold sore inside my mouth and it really stings!!! I could barely eat. After lunch it was free time! I was in the rec room most of the time playing pool and then I waited to go swimming. I wanna go swimming tomorrow also but there’s PAINTBALL! I was pretty good in pool today :D I brought the laptop there to download an episode of A Watchdog’s Tale. It’s a pretty good series. So now I have episode 5. I really don’t wanna start watching full house yet lol I still haven’t seen a Korean drama yet. Well at swimming I could do breast stroke and I’m perfecting it. I got really sore in my arm after swimming for a few laps though. I left after more people went in and came back when most of the people were leaving. It was easier to actually practice swimming though. I still can’t swim freestyle >< justin better teach me D; but he has practice tomorrow and a whole lot of them wont be playing paintball either. That really sucks. The chlorine from the pool really kills my hair and I didn’t wash it till right before dinner. I played pool and I won two games but lost a couple too. Anyways when I was washing my hair, we lost a towel to put on the floor so it got soo slippery! My hair was much better after washing. I went to the gym and played a bit of vball before going to dinner. Dinner was lasagna and some stuff like that but cuz of my cold sore, I couldn’t eat….it hurt so much whenever I ate a bite >< style=""> :] ohyea and it was Kevin’s birthday too! We had a little break after dinner right before worship. So I was really really tired by then. Tim was like am I okay and so was a few other people. I think it is because I didn’t have my coffee D: I was so tired and during the message I almost fell asleep! He is a great speaker too! I really liked Rev. Hoon Kim’s message. It was about letting go of the past and let God the Redeemer take it away. At the end of the message we had a prayer vigil style closing prayer. We were down on our knees praying to God out loud and asking Him to take away all of those past mistakes. I called out to His name, to Jesus to take it all away, to rid myself of the memory that has been stuck on my mind since that day. I never told anyone about it. It will change what they think of me, at least that’s what I think. I’m afraid to tell anyone about it so I ask God to take it all away. All of the sadness and the stress that built up because of that. On my knees, praying to God on the top of my lungs. The only voice I heard Rev Hoon and Tim cuz he was next to me but the only thing I paid attention to was hearing me out. I shed tears of happiness maybe but I just felt God’s presence there next to me like a friend listening to what I had to say. Then after that we went into our groups of 3 people talking and praying about it all. We weren’t in co-ed groups even though its suppose to be in groups that we feel comfortable talking in. I wanted to talk to someone about that bad memory that I can’t rid of to only 2 guys that I trusted and Carmen and Elaine if they were there. I was in a group with Canney, Anne, and Faith. We talked about the stuff that’s on our minds. Faith prayed about cana and how it’s still the same, the cliques are still there and it’s always the same. I shared about how my dad was like on new years eve. That was a really great time I had. I think prayer vigil will be an amazing experience with nelson planning it. I think it was that prayer that I finally felt like it was conference. The whole time I didn’t feel anything. It felt empty till that prayer. I finally felt God really there listening to me and hearing my cry to His name. it was so fulfilling. We split into our fellowships after that. In cana we had our group games. We played the games with or small groups. My small group was Jaclyn, lisa, Diana, and Sandra. The first one was dragon tale but our team lost because we had the least people. I think Rachael left after this game. Then we played the line game where we had to stretch as far as we can. I hurt my bones doing that…. I almost made a split but it hurt > but I can still bump dive and partially spike. We had to leave pretty soon but I stayed n chilled with the people practicing then went back to my cabin. I wanted to relax and party in cabin 4 with canney anne and Diana but minna saw me so I had to go back. I watched tvb till I was tired. Can’t wait for tomorrow!!

Winter Conference '10

White as Snow.
this conference wasn't as spiritually fulfilling as i thought it would be. i dont know why but it felt different them summer conference. maybe the only reason i felt that way was because my friends weren't there. i felt lonely during free time. the only tight friends i had were the guys. but i can't hang out with them all the time. well i recapped each day when i was there. so i didn't forget anything. but maybe i just didn't realize how good it was just yet. the messages really stood out to me. but i'll leave what i have to say in the next posts.

i have the whole first day in detail down already but i still haven't finished the second and the last day. it'll take some time.

2009

what i have to say about last year was just amazing. i coulda done better but you know what? sdc and summer conference gave me the encouragement to grow STRONGER in HIM!
jan-june: the months of being a freshman, can't really recall anything that was that great. except for the part i started liking him in april but it passed cuz i living my life for God now.
may: probably my toughest month cuz stuff started happening in my family. i felt so lonely but my dai low tim was there to pick me back up and help me out.
july-august: SDC'09 one of the highlights of my year cuz i grew in my spiritual life by alot. maybe it was because i was surrounded by the comfort of my church friends. but i brought my friends carmen sanna courtney and raymond to ocm. although they still don't believe in Christ, i took the intiative to ask them to work in sdc with me. and they enjoyed the summer there. i grew alot closer to people like sze nelson carmen and elaine. i definintly got to know them better and we got closer. God really blessed me with these friends. summer conference '09. i felt God calling me to do so much more and take His word and tell everyone i knew.
september: the start of sophmore year and i met some pretty awesome people like jason and jacob. those guys are awesome and i brought them to seekers at least once. i'm glad i did my part being a leader there and being disciples of the Word.
november: 100th baptism. i couldn't take part in it but seeing the person i brought to church that never knew who God was last year had matured so much. i felt so happy when i saw him getting baptized and i know that i helped him to come to know God.
december: another bad situation i was stuck in with my family but God pulled me through with the friends that are always there for me and i can trust.

God truely blessed me the past year. what else can i say? God gave me an awesome year and next year i'll definety make it better! bringing my family to Christ.