its been too long

so the last time i posted was around 2 months ago. too much has happened. i just turned sixteen as of 9:02 pm on july 1st. yay me but i celebrated with ppl at coney island beach watching fire works the night after. anyways these past two months had been crazy. i thought i didn't need a place to blow off my stress and depression at but i really did... i have so much to blow off from these past two months and especially since summer is starting.

i thought i got over him but maybe i didn't. i was just joking around at first when i said all that cuz she said that name first. but as i talked more and more about the memories i had with him and all that us three went through, i begin to think more into this. we did spend alot of time together. maybe somewhere deep in my heart theres always been a place for him since the day i met him. but i thought i was gonna just forget him and move on. for the past half year, i thought i honestly moved on to another person that helped me out. but did i? they each have their own unique-ness. i can't compare the both of them. both put a huge impact in part of my high school year. i really thought i moved on to the next one. i still have that lingering feeling. i still am happy to see him. i've never liked him as much as i did anyone else. he was the first one i truly took so long to figure out my feelings and decide he was my crush. that feeling passed and i thought someone else would take the spot sooner or later. recently i haven't been sure anymore. i feel very depressed since i moved on i think. i lost a motive in my life, i feel like. i dont know why either...
i've read this poem of the past one and it sounds so much like how i felt when he was pushing me away.
"Do you remember?
The times we spent together?
How happy we were?
Or is forgetting what you prefer?
The days spent at the park
Just walking through
until the sky turned dark
For those good times, I thank you.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to live a day
without you here.
But I’ve found a way
to hold on longer, to persevere."

it's part of a recent poem of his but i feel like thats wht was in my heart for so long...but it's def not me. maybe the girl he's been liking...