i've been very lost

i feel my old self coming back again. i dont feel the passion that i used to have. i'm feeling really lost. i dont know whats happening.

is it hb thats making me become someone i dont want to be? i haven't been able to attend church.

i think i'm falling apart.

山無稜，天地合，才敢與君絕

march is a long month

soooo i wrapped up the presents already and i'm writing my supperrr long card now :] i kinda learned how to play 1234 now lol it didn't take me that long learning the chords either.

i cant wait till tomorrow!!! i'll def blog more later!

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.

coooool

2.26.10 was another snow day we had. it was fun.

alots been happening. haven't been able to keep this blog up as i had hoped. too much going on. pray for me guys.

for the season of Lent i gave up baking and Yaya's. the two things that i used my time and money on. hopefully with this i can focus on God once again and put myself back on track.

i got the present already :] it came today. i need an address though to leave it at =T

cny&valentine's day

today is indeed a special day. it's been ages since i blogged cuz there's been stuff going on. stella's message gave me an insight on love.
~how i love now is how i love in the future.
~love is not an emotion or feeling but a desicion and commitment.
i remember those quotes the most. we think about love so much that i come to question what is love. u never know who is the one. 2 samuel 13:1-19. that passage surprised me. i'd think stella would use a happy passage but this passage was about tamar being raped by her step brother anmon. the way anmon thought of love was an infactuation cuz he looked at tamar's body and not who she was. funny quote i remember was "girls love with their hearts, but guys love with their eyes" LOL super funny. like these things will actually make people think before they use the word love because it's so strong. infactuation is something i confess to. based on 1 corinthians 13:4-8, those are the words that describe the love we are suppose to have not only with your other half but with family and friends. love is not a noun, love is a verb...

many things happened this past month-ish. too much to say....i persevered through it all. i got many flowers this past week for a few people for valentine's day. they were nice. i got 3 roses today too. i was asked the same question and i gave the same answer. when valentine's day comes around all i think of is who God is going to lead me to in the future. love is not self-seeking.
i broke the chinese new year traditions and i'm finally able to be free sorta. i went to church the whole day instead of watching parades and lion dances. i'm happy to finally be renewed.

i think after today, i'll be more optimistic on some issues i have.

been sleeping again

im happy to say that im finally sleeping again. after a talking about some stuff with someone i feel like im able to let go even though that was only part of what i had to go through. there were so many things that i couldn't say out loud because i was so ashamed of myself but im unashamed to tell this to God and let Him be my Redeemer and take it all away. because of winter conference, i was able to let go and stop hiding it painfully. after letting it out i was able to sleep normally again. thanks kingston! the video reception went really well even though we were pretty late.

so i missed sunday school sadly again today...i feel really bad. and there will be screening for JAMS next week. i really think im biased toward some people and i gotta stop. idk why...i just dont like it. im sorta nervous for the screening but it doesnt matter cuz in the end its for God no matter where im singing praise to Him, from the crowd or leading it. i feel God's calling to lead people in praise because of my passion for praise. i might start learning piano and guitar hardcore after finals are over. i know i'll never be great at it but it'll be good enough to play for God. i just gotta try my best and if i still fail at it there's always the Scripture which i can turn to. i shall be optimistic more often now.

to find the silver lining.

finally playing handball again.

to kick off this week there was common time!! yays. i'm not really in the odd for anything though. just waiting for thursday to come =T i finally played hb today after a superr long time. like 3 or more months. thats pretty long. but i was happy that i got my basics down like power and serves. i beat david 11-3 i think and Ricky 28-27. ricky's game was pretty close and we deuce 3 times before i finally got ricky. intense game there. i'm so lost in my classes x.x i needa study for math T_T i got a math quiz tomorrow and i barely understand the stuff. this is really bad! i needa memorize the formulas!! and ctap i didn't finish my drawing that was due last week but i got an extension. crap this is bad but i really don't have the motivation. =/

i feel as if i'm living everyday waiting for something the next day. life seems just so weird for me now. like i'm waiting for thursday cuz thats the day i actually have something planned to do and i can finally let out some stuff. ughhh life is really sucking for me now. i'm always tired and i never get sleep cuz it's so hard to sleep at night. i need coffee but at the same time it's coffee thats killing my sleep. i pray to God for rest and He gave me rest last night for a bit but i still cant seem to get my regular sleeping schedule back. high school is suppose to be the time where i enjoy hanging out with friends daily but all i do during the week is lock myself in barnes and nobles to study for stuff that i still can't seem to remember. it's one of those things i think of....