its been too long

so the last time i posted was around 2 months ago. too much has happened. i just turned sixteen as of 9:02 pm on july 1st. yay me but i celebrated with ppl at coney island beach watching fire works the night after. anyways these past two months had been crazy. i thought i didn't need a place to blow off my stress and depression at but i really did... i have so much to blow off from these past two months and especially since summer is starting.

i thought i got over him but maybe i didn't. i was just joking around at first when i said all that cuz she said that name first. but as i talked more and more about the memories i had with him and all that us three went through, i begin to think more into this. we did spend alot of time together. maybe somewhere deep in my heart theres always been a place for him since the day i met him. but i thought i was gonna just forget him and move on. for the past half year, i thought i honestly moved on to another person that helped me out. but did i? they each have their own unique-ness. i can't compare the both of them. both put a huge impact in part of my high school year. i really thought i moved on to the next one. i still have that lingering feeling. i still am happy to see him. i've never liked him as much as i did anyone else. he was the first one i truly took so long to figure out my feelings and decide he was my crush. that feeling passed and i thought someone else would take the spot sooner or later. recently i haven't been sure anymore. i feel very depressed since i moved on i think. i lost a motive in my life, i feel like. i dont know why either...
i've read this poem of the past one and it sounds so much like how i felt when he was pushing me away.
"Do you remember?
The times we spent together?
How happy we were?
Or is forgetting what you prefer?
The days spent at the park
Just walking through
until the sky turned dark
For those good times, I thank you.

I thought I wouldn’t be able to live a day
without you here.
But I’ve found a way
to hold on longer, to persevere."

it's part of a recent poem of his but i feel like thats wht was in my heart for so long...but it's def not me. maybe the girl he's been liking...

what happened to the passion?

what happened to the passion, you lazy letting all the stupid things drive you crazy.

thats excatly how i been feeling now. i'm so lost, school is killing me, family is bringing me down, nothing is working out. and now at the worst time i think i like someone again. why is this happening...

i noticed your eyes whenever we came across a song that reminded you of her,
i noticed your grief,
i notice it all, but....
you didn't notice me looking your way.

happy birthday carmen liu

i've been very lost

i feel my old self coming back again. i dont feel the passion that i used to have. i'm feeling really lost. i dont know whats happening.

is it hb thats making me become someone i dont want to be? i haven't been able to attend church.

i think i'm falling apart.

山無稜，天地合，才敢與君絕

march is a long month

soooo i wrapped up the presents already and i'm writing my supperrr long card now :] i kinda learned how to play 1234 now lol it didn't take me that long learning the chords either.

i cant wait till tomorrow!!! i'll def blog more later!

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.

coooool

2.26.10 was another snow day we had. it was fun.

alots been happening. haven't been able to keep this blog up as i had hoped. too much going on. pray for me guys.

for the season of Lent i gave up baking and Yaya's. the two things that i used my time and money on. hopefully with this i can focus on God once again and put myself back on track.

i got the present already :] it came today. i need an address though to leave it at =T

cny&valentine's day

today is indeed a special day. it's been ages since i blogged cuz there's been stuff going on. stella's message gave me an insight on love.
~how i love now is how i love in the future.
~love is not an emotion or feeling but a desicion and commitment.
i remember those quotes the most. we think about love so much that i come to question what is love. u never know who is the one. 2 samuel 13:1-19. that passage surprised me. i'd think stella would use a happy passage but this passage was about tamar being raped by her step brother anmon. the way anmon thought of love was an infactuation cuz he looked at tamar's body and not who she was. funny quote i remember was "girls love with their hearts, but guys love with their eyes" LOL super funny. like these things will actually make people think before they use the word love because it's so strong. infactuation is something i confess to. based on 1 corinthians 13:4-8, those are the words that describe the love we are suppose to have not only with your other half but with family and friends. love is not a noun, love is a verb...

many things happened this past month-ish. too much to say....i persevered through it all. i got many flowers this past week for a few people for valentine's day. they were nice. i got 3 roses today too. i was asked the same question and i gave the same answer. when valentine's day comes around all i think of is who God is going to lead me to in the future. love is not self-seeking.
i broke the chinese new year traditions and i'm finally able to be free sorta. i went to church the whole day instead of watching parades and lion dances. i'm happy to finally be renewed.

i think after today, i'll be more optimistic on some issues i have.